Plays 2 by Georges Feydeau

Author:Georges Feydeau
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2015-06-15T00:00:00+00:00

General Stand out of the way, God dammit!

Gabrielle …

Exit.

Mongicourt This is getting beyond me.

Gabrielle (to Petypon) You … you … passing off your mistress as your wife. (To Mongicourt.) Just look at him. He’s laughing at me.

She rushes to slap him.

Mongicourt Don’t do that! You haven’t got the gloves.

Gabrielle Where are they?

Mongicourt Don’t bother.

She rummages on the desk until she finds them.

Gabrielle Of course I’ll bother.

She puts them on and moves back to the Ecstatic Chair.

You cheated me. I trusted you and you, you …

She slaps him, hard. He doesn’t move.

You took a mistress.

Slap.

And now you sit there laughing.

Slap. Mongicourt hurries and presses the release handle.

Mongicourt You’ve made your point.

Petypon (as he wakes up) Cuckoo.

Gabrielle What?

Petypon Cuckoo, my beloved.

Gabrielle Cuckoo, now?

She slaps him again.

Petypon Ow.

Gabrielle Uncle Charles has told me everything.

Everything’s over between us. I’m going back to Mother.

Petypon Gabrielle, please.

Gabrielle Don’t try to smarm round me. My mind’s made up. Nothing you say will ever change me.

Petypon Oh, all right.

Gabrielle I’m leaving.

Petypon If you like.

Gabrielle We’re getting a divorce.

Petypon Whatever you say.

Gabrielle I’m taking back my dowry.

Petypon Of course you – What?

Gabrielle It’s over. (She points to the door.) Never darken my door again.

Petypon Yes, dear.

He drags his steps to the door, turns and says, pathetically:

I’m going back … to Nanny.

Exit.

Mongicourt You were a bit hard.

Gabrielle Playing around at his age. One wife not enough for him. Well, now he can have as many as he likes.

Enter Étienne.

Étienne The Duke of Valmonté.

Gabrielle Couldn’t be better.

Enter Duke. Exit Étienne.

Duke Not again.

She grabs him.

Gabrielle Come here, darling. You couldn’t have come at a better time.

Duke and Mongicourt What?

Gabrielle You sent me a letter, said you loved me.

Duke Did I?

Gabrielle Don’t deny it. I won’t make you suffer.

Duke What’s she talking about?

Mongicourt You’ll soon find out.

Gabrielle (taking a flower from the Duke’s bouquet) First, this flower from your bouquet for my corsage.

Duke Don’t do that.

Gabrielle A token of our love.

Duke You’ll ruin them.

Gabrielle And now, Duke … take me!

She throws herself into his arms, crushing his bouquet again.

Duke No. Aaargh! No.

Gabrielle Take me, take me. Let me slake my vengeance in your loving arms.

He drags her to the door, unable to free himself.

Duke Let me alone. Help. Mama.

He breaks free and exit.

Gabrielle What’s wrong with him?

Mongicourt Don’t ask.

Gabrielle Men are all the same. All talk, and if you take them at their word…

Petypon’s voice is heard from upstage, distant and ethereal.

Petypon Gabrielle …

Gabrielle Who’s that?

Petypon Your angel.

Mongicourt (aside) Now what?

Gabrielle kneels.

Gabrielle I recognise your voice.

Mongicourt pulls the curtain to the bedroom. Petypon is there, with sheet and lamp, like Shrimp in Act One.

Mongicourt (aside) Lucien.

Petypon Shhh.

Mongicourt This is ridiculous.

Petypon Gabrielle …

Gabrielle I’m listening.

Petypon You’re making a terrible mistake. Your husband is the best of men.

Enter the General.

Petypon Oh, for heaven’s sake.

He hides his face.

General Laughin’ at me. Laughin’.

He sees the apparition.

I say.

Petypon That’s torn it.

He starts waving his arms, trying to frighten the General.

General What the devil … ?

Gabrielle Uncle Charles. In the nick of time. Dear Saint Michael, forgive me in advance for what I’m going to do.

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